Improving Communication Without Talking

If you have ever seen a truly terrible play, then you understand the difference between two people talking and two people communicating.  So much is happening beyond words when people communicate.  Frequently, when conversations don’t go well it isn’t just because of the words we use, it is the way we use them.  We can say the ‘right’ thing all day long, but if we accompany it with an eye roll, or say it while sending a text, then we probably weren’t really heard.

All therapists love to expound on the importance of communication.  It may be cliché, but if we aren’t effective communicators, our entire life gets harder.  Communication matters at work, with our partner, our family, and with the person at the coffee shop taking our order. 

However, far too often, we neglect to notice whether our non-verbal communication is effective as speaker and a listener.  Perhaps my partner is hanging on my every word like they are Run the Jewels lyrics, but if the Rubik’s cube in his hand never stops moving, I probably won’t feel heard.

Common reasons why communication breaks down

• You aren’t really paying attention.  Perhaps you are trying to multitask or thinking of what you want to say next.  It’s important to give your conversation complete focus.

• Body language is “off”.  You may be coming across quite negatively, i.e., frowny face, crossed arms.  It is also possible your body language is not incongruent with what you are saying.  So, if you are saying you are sad, but you have a big creepy smile, it’s possible your message is not going to get across.

• You’re too upset.  Too much stress or anger makes communicating clearly difficult.  You may need to address things once you feel calmer and have some clarity.

  
  

Tips for improving non-verbal communication

• Be an engaging listener.  Focus fully on who is speaking and try to avoid rushing them or re-directing them to your concerns.  Demonstrate your engagement with eye contact, turning or leaning toward them, nodding, smiling, etc.  (This will of course look different for various relationships). 

• Avoid mentally judging what the person is saying.  Once we begin judging, we stop listening and we are more likely to present negatively and respond less compassionately. 

• Find a way to agree.  Once we are in a disagreement with someone, we tend to keep disagreeing about everything.  Finding something to agree with allows us to take a less judgmental stance and find a way to connect. For example, I may disagree that I dinged your car door, but I can agree that it would be upsetting to have your door dinged.

• Notice their non-verbal communication.  Someone might be telling us they are fine, but if you notice their clenched fists and shaking their leg, it can provide deeper clues as to how people are doing.  This can help us act with more compassion, patience, and concern.

• Adjust your non-verbal communication to the context.  If someone is upset, you may want a calm disposition.  If they seem reluctant to talk, you may want to appear more approachable.  When adjusting your non-verbal communication style, it can be helpful to take specifics about the person into consideration.  For example, you might make adjustments based on a person’s age, cultural background, etc.

•  Be mindful of negative body language.  Things like clenched fists, narrowed eyes, crossed arms can seem negative, whereas looking at the ground and a slumped posture may indicate you don’t feel confident in what you are saying.

• Manage your stress.  You might start out calm, but as tensions rise, you might notice yourself escalating.  This is a good time to slow down.  We all process information more slowly when we are upset, so this is a good time, to slow…down…the…pace…Silence can seem awkward when we do it, but it often conveys confidence.  It gives both parties an opportunity to process what has been said and consider how to move forward.

Support if you need it

Communication issues can feel overwhelming, especially around emotionally charged topics like substance use and gambling.  If you need support, Substance Use Therapy is here.  Whatever you are facing, you don’t have to face it alone.

Sources:

• https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/effective-communication.htm

 About the Author:

Kimberly May, LPC-S, LMFT is a therapist at Substance Use Therapy in Austin, TX. Kimberly works with individuals, couples, and families whose lives have been affected by substance use. By using a harm reduction framework, Kimberly works effectively with people in any stage of use. In addition to substance use, she works with other issues such as anger, burn-out, anxiety and grief. Contact today to schedule a no-charge, 30 minute, in-person consultation.